Regret
by Cymberle
Summary: Kagome reflects on the one mistake that ruined her life.


When the news came I was surprised. Not that Inuyasha was dead, but that my life span wasn't tied to his as we had thought.

Forty-five years ago, one month after defeating Naraku, Inuyasha and I mated. One year later he disappeared to places unknown. As it turned out he had only mated me to keep me away from Sesshoumaru. Having realized that I was in love with his half-brother, he pretended to love me, reminding me of my long ago promise to always stay by his side. Out of some misplaced sense of duty, I became his mate, hoping for the best.

The best was not what I got. After he left, I moved to the slayer's village with Sango and Miroku. Before long it became apparent to everyone that I was not aging along with my friends. The assumption was that being mated to a hanyou attached my life span to his.

Life wasn't bad to start with. I was so busy, helping rebuild the slayer village, being an aunt to Sango and Miroku's many children. But as the years continued to pass, I couldn't keep the feelings buried anymore. I desperately missed Sesshoumaru.

Thirty-five years ago I ventured into the Western Lands wanting to see how he and Rin were faring. He was not pleased to see me.

"_**Remove yourself from this Sesshoumaru's lands at once, miko," Sesshoumaru growled, his eyes flashing red.**_

"_**I missed you, I just wanted…" He didn't let me continue.**_

"_**If you ever step foot in the West again, you will forfeit your life," he said before turning and disappearing into the night.**_

He hated me for choosing Inuyasha over him. I returned to the slayer village, keeping the whole experience to myself. What had I expected to happen? It's not like he'd throw his arms around me, claiming his undying love. I dumped my true love for someone that only wanted me to spite him. I was an idiot.

Twenty-five years ago Sango was killed during what should have been a simple extermination. She was training some new recruits and something went wrong, though we never found out what. I took her place as a surrogate mother to her children, watched them grow along with Miroku. No, nothing romantic ever developed between us, we were friends and always would be. He was never the same after Sango's death, part of him died with her.

Fifteen years ago, the last of the children wed and moved from the house. Miroku lost what zest for life he managed to maintain after Sango's death. Too old to hunt youkai anymore, he floundered trying to find a purpose in his later years. He died only months later, a shell of his former self. I left the next day disappearing to roam Japan, hoping to find a new purpose. Though I had become a very powerful miko, I felt no joy anymore in helping others. They all took my powers for granted, trying to use me for their own gains. I quickly became jaded to the point I avoided all human contact.

The youkai world was worse, though at least a bit more interesting. In the various youkai villages I could hear about Sesshoumaru and his latest exploits. He never took a mate, preferring to rule alone. I was so desperate for any word about him; it became an all-consuming obsession. That was how I heard of Inuyasha's demise. It seems he ran afoul of Sesshoumaru one too many times and didn't survive the last.

I ran to a nearby spring, looking at my shoulder blade reflected in the water. The cursed mating mark was finally gone and yet I remained alive. Tears filled my eyes as I realized the cursed jewel must be responsible for my longevity. After I made my wish it disappeared right back into my body. Who wants to live forever when they are all alone and filled with gut wrenching regret?

When the idea came to mind, I laughed at the absurdity. But I couldn't shake it. Day, night, it didn't matter, one thought filled my head. I was done with this world and the constant despair I felt. There was one surefire way to get out. Sesshoumaru. I remembered his words all those years ago; when I was desperate for a friend, someone to share my grief with. _**'If you ever step foot in the West again, you will forfeit your life.'**_

So I took a step into the West, then another and another. Even as tears rolled down my cheeks, I rejoiced inside knowing that the end was finally near. I would finally be able to rest in peace, perhaps move on to a happier place, maybe even see old friends again.

"You should be dead," Sesshoumaru said as he suddenly appeared through the trees. "This Sesshoumaru killed Inuyasha last year."

"It seems my longevity is due to the jewel, not that ass Inuyasha," I replied, not even bothering to hide my tears.

"Why do you cry, miko?" he asked, genuinely perplexed by my tears. "This one heard the hanyou left you almost immediately after your mating. You don't still love him, do you?"

"I mated Inuyasha out of a misplaced sense of duty," I said coldly. "I was in love with someone else but gave it up for that jerk. I threw away my chance at happiness for nothing. He didn't want me; he just didn't want anyone else to have me."

"Did you forget, miko, your life is forfeit now that you have returned to the West." I couldn't help but stare into his mesmerizing golden eyes. Though his handsome features were set in a dark scowl, I still saw nothing but beauty as I gazed at his face.

"I didn't forget," I said softly. "I have one last request though."

"What is it you would have of this one?" he asked in an annoyed tone. He was peeved that my death was interfering with his day.

"Hold me in your arms as I die," I whispered as the tears began to flow again. "Like you used to all those years ago. Before Naraku's death, before Inuyasha's betrayal. Back when you still cared about me. Please, Sesshoumaru, I never stopped loving you."

"Be that as it may, this Sesshoumaru will not take you back," he growled deep in his throat. "You betrayed this one and mated Inuyasha. That can never be forgiven."

"I don't expect you to forgive me, just hold me in your arms one last time."

"Very well, this one accepts your last request," he said as he sat on the ground at the base of a tree. When he held his arms out, I settled down on his lap, leaning into his chest and closing my eyes. His arms wrapped around me, and I tried to pretend that he still loved me, that we were still together and Inuyasha never ruined everything. A sharp pain on my neck brought me back to the present. My blood spattered as my heart continued beating, forcing the blood out the deep slash in my neck.

Eyes still closed, I remembered when Sesshoumaru first told me he loved me. We were sitting under a tree, much like this one, me cradled on his lap just like this. Back then I thought life would be fantastic, full of love, full of our children, Sesshoumaru by my side. How wrong I was…one bad choice ruined my life beyond any hope for redemption.

"I love you," I managed to whisper in a harsh gurgling voice. Darkness closed around me, but in my last second on earth I swore I heard a faint reply.

"I love you too, little miko."


End file.
